So you know how I wrote that post about how excited I am to have two boys? Well that is all still true and I am still super excited about having this next little guy. I just wanted to throw that out there before I kept going with my thoughts.
Here's what's been going on in my head in the last week.
Lately, I have been spending a lot of time just staring at Bennett, watching him play. Watching him learn. I've been giving him more hugs, kisses & cuddles than I ever have. I can not get enough of my little boy. Seriously, I'm obsessed with him.
Okay so where am I going with this...oh yah...
The other night, I was laying in bed thinking about what life will be like with 2 children. How will things change? How will I handle it? How will Bennett handle it? Will my Husband adapt okay?
These questions are so intense for me. I get overwhelmed thinking about it. I have sort of settled into a pretty great life and routine with Bennett during the days. I have an absolute blast with him, I love giving all of my time & attention to him.
I know that once this new baby arrives, that will all change. I will have a newborn nursing for 30-45 minutes every two hours.. needing my attention to rock him and swaddle him. And feed him some more. I will be exhausted during the days because I will have been up all night with the baby.
Where does that leave Bennett?? He's such a high energy kid, and although he's getting more independent every day, he still relies on me for SO much. I guess I'm very afraid of disappointing him. Can a 2 y/o be disappointed in their Mother?? I don't know. But I'm already feeling guilty about having to share my time. I am already feeling so badly that Bennett will feel a little less attention.
My Husband says I spoil B too much anyway. But I don't necessarily think I do. I think I just treat him as though he's an only child, because for now - he is. Ugh. Okay this is starting to sound like I'm not excited about baby Fitz. That is NOT true. I really really am. But I'm just stressing out a little about having to share my time between him and Bennett. Will Bennett understand? Will he resent the new baby? Will he resent me???? I'm hoping that he transitions smoothly and quickly to having a little brother but I can't help but worry that he'll just be jealous. I am guessing that's normal for a certain period of time. Right?
I'm sure these are all of these feelings are pretty natural to have when you're expecting your 2nd child. I just can't stop thinking and feeling badly about the way Bennett will feel when I can't give him ALL of me anymore. I just love him so much, and I want him to always know that.
Now I'm rambling so I will stop.
I think I'm just looking for reassurance that I CAN share my time, attention and love between my children and that they both feel it equally.