27 August 2012

What if this is my last?

I remember when Bennett was around 5 months old, I got baby fever. Badly. I think it was because around 5 months is when they start babbling more, rolling over, sitting up, eating solid foods. This is about the time that you look down at your little baby and realize that they are growing up, fast. And I'm pretty sure that is what makes all mama's start to bawl like, well, babies. It's so bittersweet. Of course, it didn't take me long to snap out of the "baby fever", because soon he started crawling and it was a whole new ballgame. lol. And? I think it was okay because I knew without a shadow of a doubt that we would have a 2nd baby one day. It was inevitable that I would experience all those little milestones again. And that eased my mind a ton.
{easton 4.5 months}
My Husband and I are undecided on family size. We love our two boys and could see them growing up to be best friends and that would be that. I mean, the family is "balanced" at 4 right now, right? Wouldn't adding a third just kinda shake it up a little?
But? I'm not so sure. The other day, it hit me like a ton of bricks. What if this is the LAST time that I ever get to experience having an infant??? What if I never get to squeeze a delicious little newborn again and pinch their cute little chubby rolls? What if I never get to feel the excitement of watching another baby discover their hands & feet? Or smile at me for the first time? As I was nursing Easton a few days ago, a tear rolled down my cheek, out of no where. What if this is the last baby I ever get to nurse???
Don't get me wrong, I absolutely adore my boys and if we never had another, I would be happy. I think. And believe me, I'm not saying that I would go and get pregnant right now, even if my Husband said he wanted another one. No way jose. I'm so not ready to be pregnant again.

It's just, the thing is, a few weeks ago I had a very very vivid dream. In that dream, I was giving birth to a third child. A third boy to be precise. We even gave that boy a name. The dream felt so real that when I woke up- for a split second, I thought we had 3 kids. Just for a split second. And then it made me sad to think about this dream never being realized.

All of this seems so silly, right? I mean come on, Mandy. Snap out of it!!! But to me, children are the greatest blessings in the entire world. And it would be such a privileged to have another baby one day. 

I truly cherish babies, I really do. I think they are amazing, and pure. My babies make me a better person and show me what life is really all about. And the thought of being "done" just pulls at my heart strings like WHOA. So --I know that I need to savor every single little baby-ish thing that Easton does. Every little smile, every cry, every ounce of his cute little arm rolls, every single little thing. I just want to bottle up his baby-ness and keep it forever!!

Something just doesn't feel right about Easton being my last child. The thought of going through pregnancy again one day scares the heck outta me (I have extremely bad morning sickness), but, I also know that there is no greater joy in the world than having a baby. I'm hoping one day, my Husband and I will just KNOW what we're supposed to do. I will be doing a lot of praying. That's for sure.
Honestly, how do you decide when you're "done"???

43 comments:

Lacy Campbell said...

I hear you will have a peaceful feeling when you know in your heart you are done. I would love to tell you that feeling is accurate as I have four children and should definitely by now be done. Ha But I do not, I would have another if my husband was for it. However he is not. Ha


Your boys are so cute!!

Bianca O'Reilly said...

I feel at war with myself. I have a son and a daughter. Part of me would love to have another baby but I also feel like everything is very balanced and equal. A third baby might upset that balance then I feel crazy for thinking that way!? I just don't know. I hope one day I will so I will enjoy the beauties I have in till then.

Hannah Brinkmann said...

cute, cute, cute, cute, cute! what a totally cute kid.
well, i do not have any kids, yet, but i am only 15 so i don't need to have kids, now (oh my, if i had one...) anyway, i have a lot babysitt-kids, the youngerst is about 9 months now and i miss the time when he was a newborn, that smell, that tiny person, who is completly depending on you... miss that. so i kinda know how you feel....

The Best of Both Worlds said...

I feel the exact same way except my baby is almost 2 1/2 and I want another but we're still undecided in time, a plan, and what our families think and feel. Why I don't talk much about another on the blog. I feel like we are so happy with the two we have but I can't help but have the want of another because I love my kids so much. Why not have more. I baby Chloe alil more and try to capture it all because I just don't know if well do a third or not! It's tough

Amy said...

I am feeling the very same way!! (mine are 3 years old and 4 months old) it makes me so sad to think about not having another little baby.. my husband and I decided that two is enough for our family right now and even though I want to enjoy my girls I know the baby fever will hit me hard! Its just built into women to want more babies! I'll miss the baby stage but I will also enjoy the older stages too and be able to watch my girls play with each other and thats what I have to keep reminding myself of!

Janie said...

My husband and I always wanted two kiddos. We have two wonderful boys & during my second c-section, we decided to have the doctor tie my tubes. So, that's pretty "official" for me! :) I will say, though, that I have a serious case of the "last (fill in the blank)'s" with my new baby and it totally makes want to stunt his growth and keep him little forever!!

sabrina said...

i know the feeling. due to health issues, after my second c-section, my tubes were tied so we are "done" for sure. it totally makes me emotional. my "baby" just turned three & it was hard flying through the last three years knowing it would be the last "first word" "first steps" but then reality snaps in & knowing it's not possible for us & i accept it. going into it knowing he was our last i think we took extra time to really cherish the baby phase & all the milestones.

Sara @ Seeing Purple Stars said...

oh man, this made me tear up!!! i know this feeling. i have said for a while i was done, but i really just don't know.
www.seeingpurplestars.com

HeatherLClark said...

I know exactly what you mean!! So sad to think You'll never become a Mother again!

Bevin @ allisbright.com said...

Someone once told me that once you're done, you're done. I like to believe that at one point in our lives we feel complete, and we know it. If you don't feel that yet, you're probably not. :)

melissa rohr said...

love this post! that is exactly it too...you will just KNOW. you read my post about how we struggled to find the decision to have another one and kinda just swept it under the rug more on the no side because of these feelings. then one day we just woke up and decided - our hearts were YELLING for another little one in this house and we knew it was the right decision for us.

XSZdefineMe said...

I am so there! I always wanted to be pregnant and go through child birth at least 3 times. And I feel like by having twins I was robbed I tell ya! I would have 10 kids if we could afford them. But my hubby says no more kids 3 is enough. But something tells me 1 more is in the future. The thing I worry about is the age gap. Xavier is 3 and the girls are 17 months. When Xavier was 17 months I was getting ready to give birth to the girls. I LOVE having my kids close in age. So if I wait another 3 years for a baby will it be harder because they wont be close in age? Will I feel this done feeling before then? The reason I say 3 years is because that's when I have to get my "birth control method replaced. So will that be the time for another one or the time to be done? Oh goodness the decisions I feel like we as women have to face. Anyway when you get that done feeling let me know what it's like! :-) and good luck in your journey of findi g what's right for you and your family!

Summer said...

I think you just know. Just like you know your not done. I think you may need 1 more to feel complete. I feel like I already know I ONLY want 2! :)

skye said...

Great post and it has me crying because my husbad and I desperately want another. We would still be happy with our beautiful daughter God gave us... but there is that feeling just like you said that comes over you and you know you want to do it. We have been praying for another - we don't know if its in the cards... it's in God's hands but either way - this was a good post.... I think all of us moms go through something similar!

skye said...

Great post and it has me crying because my husbad and I desperately want another. We would still be happy with our beautiful daughter God gave us... but there is that feeling just like you said that comes over you and you know you want to do it. We have been praying for another - we don't know if its in the cards... it's in God's hands but either way - this was a good post.... I think all of us moms go through something similar!

Sarah [NurseLovesFarmer.com] said...

It's such a difficult decision! We have a "cross that bridge when we get there" policy. I have often felt that 2 children wouldn't make our family feel complete...but I also know that I won't reeeeeeally know until we truly are at that bridge. I've definitely had a harder time being pregnant chasing around a 2.5 year old...so I don't really know if I want to chase around 2 kids with another pregnancy...little things like that. I'm treating this pregnancy as if it were my last...just in case!

ashley - the domestic wannabe said...

Gah. Between this and just reading about Ashley meeting her daughter on Under the Sycamore I am freaking hot mess right now. Hello hormones!! I don't know how you decide when your family is complete. I'm pretty sure we want three. But I know it is still a toss up. Even though I don't love being pregnant, I'm going through some of those same emotions. What if this is the last time I'll ever be pregnant? Am I enjoying it? Am I embracing it? Oy.

mandy @a sorta fairytale said...

Oh I guess I will just wait for that peaceful feeling. And if it doesn't come - I will know we need to add a 3rd baby to the family :)

mandy @a sorta fairytale said...

I've never felt the need to have things balanced, as far as gender. But I definitely feel like we're balance with 2 kids. So adding a 3rd, will I feel like they are the odd ball out? lol. I dunno.... I think I will just need to give myself some time and re-evaluate in a little while!

mandy @a sorta fairytale said...

Thanks, Hannah!

mandy @a sorta fairytale said...

It totally is built into women, isn't it?? I feel like will that longing for a baby ever go away???

mandy @a sorta fairytale said...

Yes, two kids is wonderful. Especially two little boys that can grow up and be best friends!

mandy @a sorta fairytale said...

Oh goodness, I can't imagine how you're feeling. I'm sorry that happened, but am happy to hear that you have accepted it! You are so blessed with the two children that you have, they are lucky kids to have you as their mama!

mandy @a sorta fairytale said...

It's a super tough decision!!

mandy @a sorta fairytale said...

I kinda feel like I already know I should have a 3rd... but my husband isn't so sure. So I think we'll just re-evaluate when Easton is a little older!!

mandy @a sorta fairytale said...

You're so right, if it's in the cards - God will make it happen!

mandy @a sorta fairytale said...

That's a great policy to have!! That's kinda in the boat we're in right now. But IF this is our last baby - it's so hard to accept!!

mandy @a sorta fairytale said...

Aww... yah I definitely didn't enjoy my last pregnancy as much as I should have. I guess I was just in denial that it could be the last time I was ever pregnant. And Easton's newborn stage came and went so dang fast. It's crazy. Hoping my Husband and I will just "know" if/when we are supposed to add a 3rd baby to the family!

Diane said...

Beautifully written and heartfelt. I have been "friends" with you for a while now on IG and Twitter, and I just smile at the pictures of Easton. He is such a little sweetie! I can completely understand why you'd be emotional as he goes through all his milestones. Especially since you went through them with Bennett too, so your heart and mind are just in automatic mode, thinking "Welp, we'll just do this again in a couple years. No worries!" Whatever your number may be -- 2, 3 or even 4! -- I wish you nothing but peace with your decision. It will be the right one for your family either way!

Carolyn said...

I totally know how you feel. Back before Jaslyn was born, when I only had my oldest daughter and son, I felt how you felt. Sure everyone thought I was done, and for those few short months after having my son I thought so too. Everyone thought, well "she has a boy and a girl, I'm sure she's done" Well I had that thought in the back of my mind but I was never FOR SURE, ya know? I always said I wanted 4 kids, and I came pretty close to it :) Now that I have my 3rd, I know I'm done. I can honestly say I feel complete, whereas to before, I never thought of that. I guess what I'm saying is, you'll know when your done.


It does make me sad, that I will never go through the experience of giving birth again but it doesn't make me sad, that I'll never change another diaper, or nurse another baby. Once you feel that, then you'll know you're done right? :) I just feel content and happy with the size of my family, and I'm sure you will too......someday. 3 kids is fun, so yeah you should definitely have another one ;)

Sveta D. said...

Sooo..having only three might be a bit of an odd size family; so why not have 5...or 7...or even 10. But hey, they come cheaper by the dozen. ;) To make it even BETTER, homeschooling is so cooolll! My parents have always said that once you get past number three, the rest are a piece of cake. (Must be why I'm such a hard kid, a number three) :)

~A homeschooled teen from a large family looking forward to the day I have a houseful of children myself :)

MamaMandolin said...

I've been through this because I had 2 at once on my first try, which pretty much eliminates the for sure chance of having another. I think about this all the time...I got two kids but only one pregnancy. Only one chance to experience all of this, and I'm doing it two at a time. I'll never know what it's like to just know ONE baby. And convincing hubs/myself to be ready for another is almost too much of a task to think about. I SO want to do this one more time, and for it to be normal...just one baby. I think moms feel this no matter how many kids they have.

Courtney K said...

Like I mentioned on Facebook, I've heard people say they "just know" when they are done. And then I've heard people say that in a way a mama's heart is never too full to love another and they could probably never be done. We haven't had Jonah yet, but we've already started talking about the possibility of "this is it" and it tugs at my heart strings a bit. Until you guys decide, just savor every little moment and soak up all of the babyness that you can. :)

Lindsi said...

You can come over and "pinch" and squeeze Haylee whenever you want! Come and get your baby fix at my place! :)

molly said...

Well, I wrote on AP's post and now I'm writing on yours. I wrote a post like this after Brigham had turned 1-year-old. Truth be told. The baby fever is raging right now. Landon is 4 and Brigham is 2 and it seems like the perfect time to get pregnant. Plus, I'll be 34 this year. I'm not getting any younger if we want a third. I just can't imagine that I'll never be pregnant again. I seriously thought we were done at two when I was pregnant with Brigham. But right after he was born it's like I knew I couldn't be done. It is a very strong feeling within me, although on bad days when there are lots of tantrums, I waffle and say no way! hehehe.


If we do have a third I will be so happy. But if we don't I think I will be happy too. My sons are such a blessing. How can I not be thankful for all that I have RIGHT NOW. I think too much about the future. I need to live in the present.


Oh, and here's the post I wrote just so you know I can relate! http://www.adayinmollywood.com/2011/09/four-chambers/

Laurel Walker said...

Aw :( This post made me tear up. I think I have read a gazillion posts about babies and motherhood today and they are tugging at me. I know what you're saying and I understand your feelings but not because I'm a mother... It's because I'm not a mother. I hold other peoples babies and wonder if I will ever get to experience what they do. I get to help raise my husband's 2 beautiful sons but they already have mothers and I am not in any way, shape, or form encroaching on that precious bond. I lovingly babysit and change diapers and offer to feed and kiss hurt knees and breathe in the amazing "baby" smell but I don't know if I will ever get that to myself even just once. And it's ALL I ever wanted.


Opinionated Girl
http://one-girl-vs-world.blogspot.com

alittlekingandi said...

You took the words right out of my mouth. I am sooo sad that Navy might be our last! But i am so looking forward to not having a baby anymore if that makes sense. Even though I love the baby stage soo much! I watch my sister with her kids (they are a bit older). I am looking forward to that she has so much fun with them, they are potty trained, they can talk and have conversations, they are well behaved. etc. I bet it 4 years I am going to be craving a yittle baby soo bad though! Until then, Navy is our last. :(

Shondra Walker said...

I totally know what you mean. I have an almost-3 year old (sept. 8) and a 13-month old, both boys, and am 16 weeks pregnant with our third. We weren't planning on getting pregnant so quickly, but I'm happy now and feel that we weren't really a complete family just yet. I'm sure that once Easton gets a little older, you both will just know what's right for your family. :)

amelie522 said...

Well, you don't have to do it again right now! And there is NOTHING WRONG with waiting longer than 18 months to have another child. I feel like women in our society have this fear that if they don't slam all their babies back to back, the kids will grow up strangers, not knowing or loving one another or being "best friends" because there's more than a year between them. I waited, and my boys are inseparable. Give yourself time! It'll also give you time to really cherish all of Easton's babyhood and toddler years. I wish I was pregnant right now, but I feel SO LUCKY to be able to be nursing him at almost 21 months old. So buck the trend: have your next one a few years down the road, instead of one year! It's wonderful to be able to relish every awesome milestone of babyhood and toddlerhood without being sick and pregnant, or having to care for ANOTHER infant or toddler. You'll know what's best, but trust me when I say that it is OKAY to wait! Your kids will be bonded and close because that's the environment you foster and the family dynamic you encourage. You don't have to decide anything right now!

tiffany franklin said...

He's a gorgeous, gorgeous baby!

Hazel Vee said...

Omgosh what a cutie! He's going to grow up to be absolutely handsome and his eyes!! I don't usually say babies are cute, just thought I should let you know (:

As far as the baby department, I've decided not to have kids. My husband thinks I'll hit baby fever in a few years and hopes I do lol. We'll see!

http://zee-no.com

Peggy Stevenson said...

We have 3 beautiful kids (#3 is amazing and wonderful but definitely threw us for a loop!!) And I love being pregnant, even though I have super crappy pregnancies..just knowing that I'm GROWING A PERSON is breath taking and awesome. Here's the thing..when we find out we were pregnant with #3, my husband and I just knew we were done. We knew this baby would complete our family and there was no question about it. We had him, I had my tubes tied and our family is perfect! There is no magic number, my theory is that people should have as many children as they can both love and feed..if that's 1 or 20. It's an intensely personal decision between you, your husband and God. So it had been my experience that if you feel that tugging at your heart, you probably aren't done. Good luck!!

Peggy Stevenson said...

We have 3 beautiful kids (#3 is amazing and wonderful but definitely threw us for a loop!!) And I love being pregnant, even though I have super crappy pregnancies..just knowing that I'm GROWING A PERSON is breath taking and awesome. Here's the thing..when we find out we were pregnant with #3, my husband and I just knew we were done. We knew this baby would complete our family and there was no question about it. We had him, I had my tubes tied and our family is perfect! There is no magic number, my theory is that people should have as many children as they can both love and feed..if that's 1 or 20. It's an intensely personal decision between you, your husband and God. So it had been my experience that if you feel that tugging at your heart, you probably aren't done. Good luck!!