21 October 2013

The aches of this Mama's heart.

As a Mother, there two things I always think about when it comes to my kids, two questions I ask:

1. Are they healthy?
2. Are they happy?

If I can answer yes to both of these questions, I'm satisfied. Overall, the answer to those questions, for both of my kids, is a resounding YES. And for that, I am so thankful. But sometimes, there's more to it than that.


I've talked before about the struggles that Bennett faces with his speech & communication (here & here, and here). But I don't dwell on it too much on my blog, because if I'm being honest, these posts are hard for me to write. Being so vulnerable and open... it makes me sorta uncomfortable sometimes. But these feelings I have, and these issues we are facing... they're real. And the older he gets, the more apparent his struggles become, and the more my heart just aches for him.

He wants to be understood by people other than me & Philip. He wants to play and interact as a normal 3 1/2 year old, but he just can't. His social skills are being severely hindered because of his lack of communication skills. He is such a sweet boy, and so much fun to be around. But nothing is more heartbreaking, than watching your little boy try and play with a group of kids, just to be ignored because they can't understand what he's trying to say to them.

We have taken him to numerous evaluations, all have told us that he has a 25ish percent speech delay. But I feel like as time goes on, the gap is widening. He is making some progress, but not nearly as much I think he should be. We have him in preschool & speech therapy. And I do my damnedest to work with him at home... I just feel like we are hitting brick walls. It is so frustrating sometimes that I end up in tears, wondering "What the heck am I doing wrong? What could I be doing differently?" So I have to wonder. Is there something more going on? Something that could be more serious than just a speech delay? I just don't know.

At the beginning of this school year, I spoke with his speech therapist about my concerns and she has set up another evaluation for him at the end of this month. He will meet, again, with a preschool teacher, a developmental psychologist, a speech pathologist, and occupational therapist. All of them will be sitting around the room, putting him through test after test, to gauge where he's at now. I'm not sure what the results will be, but I'm hoping we will get some more clarity on the situation.


Being a Mom, is both rewarding and heart wrenching at the same time. You just want what is best for your kids, and more than anything,  you want them to thrive and progress. And when you see them struggling, it just tears you apart inside.

Sorry for the serious topic this morning.. it's just something that is always on my heart. It feels so good to say it out loud.


22 comments:

Sylvie Baccega said...

Sending you prayers of encouragement today! It's so hard to feel helpless but your unwavering faith and love for your son will get you through this!

Kim @ HappyPrettyBlog said...

Your son is so blessed to have a mom as wonderful and caring as you :) With your support, he'll be able to overcome any obstacle in his way! I often think of what I will do if faced with similar situations with my son, who is now 8 months old. I hope that I will act with he same dignity, grace and conviction for my son that you do for yours.

Natalie said...

Andrew had a major speech delay as a toddler. Being the new & young mom, I had no idea he needed therapy even before school so he was almost 5 but he started it. He's almost 17 & the kid who didn't talk AT ALL will hardly shut up now.
I promise it gets better.

fifth house on the left | family blog said...

ugh. rawley is going through the same thing right now and he is 2.5. we are actually just starting the same journey you are currently in with bennett. we just started him in preschool for 2's about a month ago and he's also been evaluated for speech and has been accepted. however, each therapy is session is $80 per session per WEEK and the hubby and i are having a hard time coming up with that type of money on one income since we are currently up the wahzoo to put him in preschool (in hopes to build up his speech)...a never ending cycle. i'll be getting more information today to see if we have other options because he obviously needs speech therapy (he says practically nothing and every word he says is pretty much "bah" or "buh") and he will NOT learn anything from me. the moment he catches wind of me teaching him something he leaves the room. i don't know what to do :(

i am scared everyday that is something more serious going on and makes me so sad that no one in his class can understand him. i cried just reading your post because i can 100% relate to your speech delay journey right now. i don't know what to do either. i continue looking to your blog for inspiration in hopes that both bennett and rawley get through this frustrating and difficult hurdle. thinking of you!

Sarah [NurseLovesFarmer.com] said...

'm so sorry you're struggling with this but the important thing is you're very aware of it and are doing everything possible to help him through this.

Alex @ My Munday Mornings said...

I think as moms, we don't want our children to struggle -with anything- and unfortunately, every kid is going to struggle, at some point in time.
On top of that, there is so much techonology that allows us to look at all of our peers children, and this makes it hard when you feel as though your child might not measure up. The great thing about kids though, is that they are so resilient. I'm sure that he gets frustrated, just as my daughter does (and every other kid too), but I'm also sure he knows he has love and support from you and the other people in his life.
Don't brush off your feelings, because you have every reason to hurt for him (it's just part of being a mom) but try to focus instead on all of the amazing things going on. Like his adorable little grin.
Prayers coming your way!

Chelsea said...

And MY heart aches for you too, Mandy. I know we've talked about this before, but you know I'm always here for you if you need to talk about your sweet Bennett. I just want to squeeze him, he's so adorable! I can't imagine what I would do if I were in your shoes and if Alea were struggling with this as well. I just want you to know that you're an amazing mama. You're doing everything in your power to help him and it shows! What's that saying? Behind every good child is a mother who thinks she's doing it all wrong? You're doing it all right my friend, we're just our own worst critics. Hugs!

JenniferAStreet said...

My son is in the EXACT same boat as Bennett. 3 1/2 years old, goes to a special Pre-K, tries his darnedest to communicate and no one can understand him. I'm tore up inside hoping we figure out what's going on soon or that something will magically click for him. Good luck and stay strong!

Erin said...

Sending good thoughts and prayers y'all's way! You are doing such a wonderful job as a mother looking out for the very best interest of your child. Just keep at it sweet friend! I wish I had better advice this afternoon :)

Aileen Johnston said...

My heart aches for you. My friend went through this as her boy just couldnt or wouldnt speak till he was about 4. He is nearly 9 now and will not shut up! Howevet recently he was diagnosed as being dyslexic and with hindsight his doc and health visitor say his late speech development may have been an early symptom of this. Maybe it's something for you to look into? In the mean time never apologise for what you write here, this is your space and you can write anything you want :-)

Trina F said...

*hugs* I know this must be hard and my heart cheers you and your son on. Hopefully you will be able to get some help.

Katie said...

I'm sorry. I know it's so hard to see our little ones struggle. My little guy - 4 has pronunciation issues and we recently had him evaluated so speech therapy might be in his future.

Christy Kaiser said...

I know exactly how you feel. I've known you since before our boys we born (I think we met on a baby center due date board) My son James was born on the 22 of January. He was diagnosed with Autism when he was two. Our life consists of speech, behavioral and occupational therapy as well as special needs preschool and countless evaluations. It is not by any means the end of the world, but the Mommas heart breaks for him when I see his struggles with friends and being understood. Bennett is lucky to have a Momma that cares as much as you do. :)

Discovery Street said...

Oh Mandy how frustrating. From all appearances he just seems like the healthiest, happiest little boy--but I know how frustrating/heartbreaking it is to want everything to be 100% normal with your child. Sending prayers and hoping you find good news in your evaluations.

Amanda Dement said...

What a cutie pie! I will be praying for you guys and sending good vibes to you. It is never easy when our children are facing a battle but he will overcome it and things will be figured out. No worries. Your boy is perfect! Any kid who gets to play with him is a special, lucky kid anyway :-)

jackie jade said...

so brave of you to share this. i don't have kids yet but i worry about having issues with them in the future. one of my friends nephews completely didn't speak until he was 3 or 4 i think, but then when he was ready to, he was just fine. he sounds like a wonderful boy with a hurdle right now. i'm sure you will all get through it together!
-- jackie @ jade and oak

jessica | piganddac said...

I am so sorry mama, I can't imagine how much this must weigh on your heart. My little brother had speech issues around the same age, he saw speech pathologists & everything, and he was talking just as good if not better than the kids his age by kindergarten. He's always been an extremely bright person, very smart. Your son is beautiful, sending him and you lots of positive thoughts.

Fran said...

Oh Mandy, I'm sorry. It must be so frustrating - I'll be sending good thoughts your way and hopefully the evaluation will go well and you guys can get some answers and way in which to help him

Branson said...

I have missed keeping up with you guys! I think Aiden struggles with not being understood sometimes around kids his own age. You are such an awesome mama, he is a lucky and LOVED little boy! :) Hugs!

Elle Vee said...

He is adorable.

I know it's easy to say, but look to the positives. He will improve in his own time.

Mandey Ejiasi said...

Sorry I'm a little late catching up on blog posts....but as you know we're right there with you. I've stopped focusing on it, honestly. I still now how far behind the boys are, but after a year in speech therapy and now preschool and still speech therapy, I know I'm doing the right things. One thing I've learned from this speech therapy journey is that progress is sooooo slow. The amount of words they're both saying is just crazy but they're not really using them in long sentences. It's also hard having kids that are big for their age because everyone asks them questions in public and they can't really answer, or not how people would like. I still have to explain to everyone that they're still working on learning how to talk.

Anyways, I know I'm not much help, just wanted to let you know we're here in the thick of it with you.

Toni said...

My daughter, just turned three and we also have her in speech therapy. I just want you to know that I am right there with you on the speech delay. I hope his next evaluation goes well and you get some answers. I know its so hard, but you are a good Momma and doing the right things for him. :)