I've talked a little before on my thoughts on our family size, and I go through phases where I think about it a lot. And then months will go by when it never crosses my mind. Lately, though, I've been up at night, thinking. Trying to discern how I'm really feeling about the idea of adding another child to our family.
If you would have asked me a year ago if we were planning on having another baby, my answer would have been "Yes" I definitely think we'll have another baby. Plus, I feel like I've always known that we were going to have 3 children, it's just sort of always been the number we've talked about.
Lately though,....lately I haven't been so sure about it. I mean I'm to a point where I feel like I've got this Mother-of-2 thing under control (most of the time). And I'm feeling great about where we're at as a family, we all sort of blend really nicely together and have a good rhythm going. But I think that's all in my head. The practical side of me is telling me that we should stop while we're ahead. It's weighing the pros and cons, and coming up with a longer list of why our family of 4 is just right. Don't mess with a good thing, ya know?
My heart is another story, though. Although I'm happy with my beautiful family, and I know how very blessed we are -- my heart still feels like there's something missing. Like there is another child that fits into this puzzle somehow.
If I'm being totally honest with you, I absolutely hate the way I'm feeling about this. I hate that my head is telling me one thing, and my heart is the complete opposite.
I'm a faithful person, and am a strong believer in the power of prayer. And because I've felt so conflicted about this -- I've prayed about it a lot. And I feel like the answer to that prayer has been revealed to me in many different ways, on many different occasions. It's always been a resounding YES. Mandy, you're family is not complete yet.
But I'm fighting against it because selfishly, I DON'T WANT TO BE PREGNANT AGAIN. I really really don't. That's the annoying part of this whole thing...and why I've been sort of ashamed to admit this. Because come on, I know how absolutely fulfilling it is to be a Mother, and I know how important family is. And I also know how extremely blessed I am with the ability to have my own children. But still... the thought of being pregnant and going through those long months of being so sick I can hardly move or function, and then caring for a newborn with 2 other kids. It's all too much for me to even process right now.
I know what people are going to tell me, because I tell me self this same thing all of the time.
"Don't worry, you are young and don't have to decide anything right now!"
While that's true -- I'm feeling a sense of urgency. I don't know if it's because Easton turns 2 in a few weeks and by this point with Bennett, I was 8 months pregnant? So maybe I'm feeling like if we do have another child, they are going to miss out on the close-in-age kind of sibling relationship that Bennett & Easton have? Or maybe it's because so many of my friends are pregnant or have a newborn, so this is all being brought to the forefront of my mind?
Whatever the case, I can't stop wondering: Am I ignoring a prompting? Am I just too cozy in my current lifestyle that I don't want to change it?
So I guess that what I need to do is to take the time that without a doubt, people will suggest to me, and sit on it for a little bit and pray more about it. But this time, I won't be praying about whether or not we should have another baby. I think I already know the answer to that. But rather, I need to be be praying about the timing. When is a right time for me? For our family?