17 March 2014

The truth about my marriage

I don't talk a lot about mine & Philip's marriage on my blog, because I feel like it's a very very personal relationship. As are most marriages. And I don't ever want to cross any lines with my Husband by hanging out his dirty laundry or revealing things he wouldn't feel comfortable with. But sometimes, I NEED to talk about our marriage. Because it's a very important part of our lives. I'd say, it's the most important thing in our lives.

But I'm here today to confess something about my marriage.

It's not perfect. It's not even good sometimes.

I think that with social media, it's easy to put a mask on things, to only talk about the good things and the fun times. Even when I have conversations with my friends, and the topic of marriage comes up, I tend to sugar coat some of the disagreements we have, and the truly difficult phases that we go through. But that just isn't real.

Here's what I've realized. I don't need to sugar coat anything because marriage is freaking hard, anyone that has been married, knows that. And I think looking at other marriages online, can make you feel like everyone else has it all together. But, that's just not true.


Philip and I are very similar in a lot of ways, but then at the same time, we're polar opposites. A lot of times it works in our favor, like when we are on the same page... we are REALLY on the same page. Which is awesome because we don't have to even discuss the matter at hand, we just know what we should do. But then when we are on different sides of the fence, things get... tense. We're both very stubborn people who generally feel that our way, is the right way. It's not always easy to find a compromise.

Overall, are we happy? Absolutely! But we go through phases where argue, a lot. We raise our voices, tears get shed, and sometimes it gets to a point where one of us needs to leave the house for a few minutes to cool off. And in those moments, I feel like I'm the only one going through this with my Spouse. I genuinely wonder if I'm just a basket case who gets annoyed and upset with her Husband, or is this common? I'm still figuring that part out ;)

In the last few months, though, I've really been thinking a lot about my marriage. During the days, I'm taking care of two little boys, running a business & a blog, working out 5 days a week, and attempting to keep the house somewhat clean... etc. And My husband is working his butt off at his job, and in the middle of vigorous training for the Seattle to Portland bike race. Things get busy, and sometimes they get stressful. We fight. And we get annoyed with one another. I guess sometimes I feel like we are both so set in our ways, not much can change, you know? But that is exactly the kind of thinking that leads to the path of separation. And I can not, and will not ever go down that road. Change is very possible if you set your mind to it. As a couple, we need to be changing together. Helping & supporting each other. It's not always easy to do, but I know that when push comes to shove, we'll do it. And I will always find a way to try harder, and I'll move mountains to make sure that the foundation of our marriage stays strong. So when we go through the difficult phases, we'll always stay solid, regardless of what is going on.

I guess I'm just putting this out there so that I can continue to do exactly what you all said you liked about my blog... and that is to be honest. I'm not trying to put up a facade or pretend to have it all together. We don't live a fairytale (hence the reason my blog title is a sorta fairytale). And my Husband and I aren't always happy, we don't always get along and we certainly have our share of issues. But at the same time, we love each other and this OUR marriage. We're in this together, now...and forever.


37 comments:

Tracy J/yeaiknowimshort said...

Great post and I always say, Marriage has its peaks and valleys for sure....Your not alone!

Tori G said...

What a great post! We love it!

Whitney M. @ The Married Me said...

"Overall, are we happy? Absolutely! But we go through phases where argue, a lot. We raise our voices, tears get shed, and sometimes it gets to a point where one of us needs to leave the house for a few minutes to cool off. And in those moments, I feel like I'm the only one going through this with my Spouse. I genuinely wonder if I'm just a basket case who gets annoyed and upset with her Husband, or is this common?"

Just had one of those moments last week and we are still fixing things. Marriage is extremely hard and I feel like admitting those hard moments isn't always looked upon highly. You aren't alone my friend.

emilyc3313 said...

Love this! Last year was one of the toughest years of my marriage. And even though we are coming out the other side I wouldn't change it for anything. I couldn't picture being married to anyone else. Hang in there during the tough times, because if I have learned anything this last year, if your committed it will only make your marriage stronger as you work through it.

Kala Bernier said...

Love this post and the honesty in it. Everyone likes to make their marriage look perfect, but in ALL cases it isn't and on our blog we have to been opening up more to the problems we had/have and how we deal with them.

Brandi said...

Love this post!! So many of your posts lately have really resonated with me and I can relate to them in more than one way!! Thank you!

Tiffany Barsotti said...

Thanks for your honesty friend! we are right there with you! I love your honesty, Im praying over your marriage, That the Lord would protect it and bless it. Im so thankful to have found you on insta, and to now be folloing your blog!

Lynsey @ Eternally Wanderlyn said...

Wonderful post! Relationships are hard and take a lot of hard work. We tend to only get the highlight reels on social media where everything seems peachy, but even in the best relationships there are days where you don't like each other. LOL. Thanks for being so open! :D

LesleyEpstein said...

Thanks for this!!! I love reading about honesty when it comes to marriage and relationships. Sometimes seeing (or reading) just the 'perfect' stuff can make you question how awesome your own relationship is. I think we all need to read posts like this sometimes!!!

Discovery Street said...

great post mandy...and I think it's totally normal and relate-able. Honestly, marriage was pretty easy for my husband and I until we had kids...that's an entire new dimension that has caused some serious "discussions." :)

Amy said...

I love the honesty in this!
It's so true that the world we live in today highlights our happiness. That's great because it allows us to share with others our blessings and spread love. The reality is though, when you're having a tough day and all you see are other peoples happiness, it's hard not to think you're an outlier struggling in life. #socialmediaproblems

I think blogging sets the stage for a nice balance. It's nice to hear the true ups and downs in peoples lives and see real.

I have been surprised on a number of occasions when a marriage or relationship ends and you're just shocked because it always seemed so happy! I know when I was blogging frequently and my last relationship ended people were so surprised.

Now, in my current relationship (on the road to engagement) I'm experiencing a different kind of challenge. My last relationship was a just a train wreck and every disagreement was a blowout. This time, we share a life and there are ups and downs that we experience together. I love how you said that you're both similar, yet polar opposites...because that's the way my boyfriend and I are for sure.

Learning to face challenges head on and keep your voice out there in a relationship is so key, and our latest lesson? Being aware! How am I acting? How am I speaking? What energy am I giving off? Taking ourselves off autopilot and being more intentional about how we interact has really helped us be more positive around each other as we have both been facing personal challenges.

Molly said...

Thanks so much for opening up about this, Mandy. I very rarely ever talk about my marriage on the blog. In fact, I don't think I've ever said one bad thing about it on the blog. I'm not trying to hide anything. I just don't think my husband would appreciate it if I talked about last night's argument, lol.

Things have been hard. Having a third child is straining, not because we love each other any less, but because there is less sleep and more work. More crying. Less time to spend with one another. We had finally gotten to a place where we could start working on reconnecting again and then I got pregnant! I know this is just a season. The difficulty will pass. But there will always be struggles. You're right, you have to change together. I hope someday I can open up like you did.

jack!e @ The Wife Life said...

Absolutely! I love the last line.. "we're in this together..". Tommy and I are both very stubborn and set in our ways as well. Sometimes we fight over dumb things; we fight over big things; we disagree; we cry (ok, I cry)..BUT.. we love each other more than anything and will do whatever it takes to make our marriage work and we love our little family to pieces. Thanks for sharing and showing the world that marriage is really HARD, but it is worth it. <3

Tabitha said...

Yep! No matter what anyone says, marriages take work!

Tara said...

I am seriously at a loss of words, but not all at the same time!! Besides saying THANK YOU! like you i think social media or with friends you really do feel like you are the ONLY one that has hard time in their marriage, & honestly I think that is is huge thing why so many choose to separate they think it isn't normal, but it is. This shiz hard. so hard. but so worth it!
I remember struggling with infertility & feeling like i was the ONE person in the world that marriage was suffering from it. Everyone else it seemed to be strengthening them. When i finally blogged about it, i was shocked at how many people emailed me and told me the same. I thank GOD for that, because had I not, I don't think our marriage would be what it is now, if not totally not there! thank you for putting yourself out there!

Rachel said...

Marriage is no fairytale--but honestly, the "real stuff" makes it better, more interesting, and a grander story to tell than any fairytale, even when it's not always fun.

Jodi said...

I hope that people don't think that anyones marriages are perfect. If they do then they are in for a rude awakening when/if they get married! Good for you for sharing. I think most people respect the privacy part of blogging and don't expect you to share the real private stuff. But always good to be reminder that most people fight and have to learn to compromise.

Tania T said...

Exactly, marriege is a sorta fairytale.Kids are also a sorta fairytale.I am not a bad person cause I'm saying it out loud..that's the truth.

Erin said...

LOVE this post! I couldn't agree more with you! Marriage is SO hard! I definitely needed to read this today!

Whitney H said...

Thank you so much for this post. You have no idea how much I needed to hear this today. This weekend was a little bit of a tough one for us, so I definitely needed to be reminded that we aren't the only ones that have bad days!

Michelle Thomas said...

Amazing post Mandy! I can relate to every word. My hubs and I have been married for 7 years but together for 14 and it's always a journey- ups and downs, highs and lows and lots of bumps along the way. We are in no means perfect and no marriage is! Thanks for sharing your honesty! :)

Jess Beer said...

Beautiful post - you are so not alone. I've been there too, and it's completely normal. Sometimes he annoys the heck out of me. But we love each other and made a commitment to each other, so we work through it. Marriage has good and rough points for everyone.

Reveal Natural Health said...

Yep, marriage is hard. Take 2 completely different people and put them together to live the rest of their lives as one unit. It's very difficult but totally worth it!

Unknown said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Amber Brunner said...

Love this post! I think it's so easy for me to see everyone's blogs that make their lives look picture perfect. I guess that's easy to do when you are editing the content and picking the photos! Because people want to see pretty! And I do to, but it's just nice to know the people and lives behind the blog are REAL!

changeismyonlyconstant said...

What a wonderful post, and thank you for being so honest! No marriage is perfect, they are hard work, and both partners need to give their all. I love that you didn't sugarcoat, and yes, it can get messy. But thank you for 'letting it all hang out'!

~Katy

Joni said...

Thank you for being so open and honest! God is a big part of our life, family, and marriage, and I definitely believe that that plays an important role for us as well.

ashlyebrink said...

Thank you for being so real and honest. I know exactly how you feel. I think many of us can totally relate!!

Samsam Cherie said...

I love this post. I'm not married, but I'm coming out of a year and a half long relationship and it's so nice to see that you two have had ups and downs and THATS NORMAL. Even my parents' marriage seems a little too perfect to be real. Thank you for opening up and showing us - the college girls with the broken hearts - that a better man is out there...that there's no such thing as a perfect man or a perfect marriage, but God can get you pretty damn close <3

samsamcherie.blogspot.com

Anastasia said...

You're absolutely not the only one! I could have written that post - we are also very similar and polar opposites, we are happy in our marriage, but man is it hard! We are both very stubborn too :) I write my blog and run 2 small businesses from home, while homeschooling 5 and 2 year old - it's CRAZY, I know how stressful it can be. It's absolutely normal for a worthwhile marriage to be a struggle - nothing worth living for comes easy and social media, meh, it makes everything look superficial. I need to write about our marriage too lol...

Brenda D Priddy said...

The internet needs more posts like these. I think fewer young people would divorce if they realized how common conflict is. It sounds like you have a similar relationship to what my husband and I have. I think sometimes extra conflict comes from wanting to be too similar! We try to argue our own way becuase we want to agree on everything. :-)

Julia Anderson said...

Really glad you shared this. I think talking about personal stuff is sometimes really helpful in connecting to readers. You already have such an inviting blog and that's why I am a regular reader. I would say it's pretty normal to only put positive stuff on social media. I mean it's actually best to not put negative things or your personal business on social media. Marriage is very personal, just like you said. Without going into too many details you shared a very important part of your life with us and I thank you. I think we all need to know sometimes that nobody has a perfect life or perfect relationships. It's inspirational to hear someone say that they will always work on their relationship and never give up. It feels likes marriage isn't as biding as it used to be. I completely agree with you that marriage is forever. Thanks again for sharing.

Loyal RUN said...

You are definitely not alone.
My husband and I get into WAY more arguments than I would like to admit!
But you are so right, we still love each other and this is OUR marriage and we know we are in it for the long run.
We may not always be happy with each other, but we are always blessed to have each other.

Angie said...

Love your honesty! You are not alone. Marriage is hard work, even more so after having kids!

Tiffany said...

I needed this. Thank you!

Amanda Lynn said...

This post is really honest and I love that. Relationship / Marriage is hard work. I have a great marriage but that doesn't mean we get frustrated with each other. My husband works all the time and actually not seeing each other kind of makes us stressed out. It's how you get through the tough times to determine if the marriage is solid.

Laura Railing said...

I don't know how I missed this one, but I'm glad I caught it! It sounds pathetic to say it, but last week I was having such a "woe is me" moment, crying and frustrated over a stupid misunderstanding, and wondering how it's just so not the marriage I expected. But then I realize, the things that are hard, and take lots of work, and lots of tears, are often the things we cherish a lot more because we put more into it. (at least hopefully! or try to!) You aren't alone.The silly arguments. The feeling like you can't stand your spouse right now and don't really like them that much- it's ok. It goes away and things go back to being pretty good. It's all worth it though. I wouldn't trade it for anything.